I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
