yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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