I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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