i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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