i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
