yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
