You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
