It's Friday. Sex?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
