My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
