His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
