I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
