just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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