There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
