508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
