since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
