As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
