Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
third nipple confirmed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize