The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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