I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
