wat bout pragnant strippers??
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize