I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
