My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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