how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
