Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
