i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
