I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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