she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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