I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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