I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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