if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
