Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I deserve this hangover.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
