Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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