So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
