so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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