In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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