last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
North Korea, Best Korea!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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