I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
