Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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