Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
