the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
This house was built for laser tag.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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