So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
