The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
