Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
