I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize