The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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