Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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