I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
