So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
