Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
