Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm too high and old for this...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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