Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
