Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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