I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
