My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
