I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
