Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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