Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
