I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
