I wish my penis had an off switch
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize