moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
