FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
