your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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