Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
