I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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