i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
