I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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