I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
