he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
