I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
